Yet again I find myself at 11pm at night starting to bake, clean and go totally manic at a time that I should be relaxing and winding down for the evening. I can already feel the dread of getting up tomorrow sinking in.
I feel anxious, jittery and all over the place. Its all because yet again I have to let my family down tomorrow.
At the beginning I told you all I was a graduate….this isn’t true I’m sorry. Ive finished the main part of my degree but unfortunately due to difficult circumstance and dark times in August 2014 I had to defer my final essay on medical grounds. Therefore I need to be assessed by a physc team before I can graduate.
Guess what? I failed. Everyone thinks ill be in my cap and gown by the end of January having a great time with all my uni friends. I won’t. Ill be at home watching it all fold out on social media probably crying myself into a take out and a bottle of red.
Now I face the dread of having to tell my family, I didn’t want to tell them before christmas as I didn’t want to ruin yet another holiday however I now feel like its getting closer and closer and I just can’t face telling them. Its got to the point where they have booked time off work, arranged places to stay, outfits to wear, presents to buy!
The truth is that I will graduate just a little later than everyone else…..this does not however make it any easier
Ive let everyone down again. I feel like shit.
So I’ve been sat with the laptop on all day trying to think of something witty or vaguely interesting to write and I can’t.
When I started this blog I wanted to write well written small masterpieces on life with mental illness. Instead I’ve written bollocks about myself which is all mostly irrelevant and now i just want to start over, like I do my life every few months completely blocking out the hideous memories of the past which quite frankly I’m just too embarrassed about.
I had HUGE ideas of becoming an international blogging sensation who writes in depth articles on what its really like living with a disorder. But the truth is I’m just not a very good writer and I don’t have the imagination or talent to explain to you how it feels to be me. I want to inspire and change peoples lives, I want to tell you how to cope and that its all going to be ok but how can I tell you something when I don’t know how to do it for myself let alone anyone else.
If I could change one persons way of thinking and one persons life in even the smallest way I would feel a sense of achievement. But I can’t.
My life is a total mess.
Last night I embarked on a reading journey called 52 steps to cure depression. Now ok I know what your thinking “you can’t cure depression” and your totally right and I agree with you whole heartedly however as I started to read more and more this book was not what it said it was. This book was filled with tiny little changes that you can make with barely any effort at all that actually make life that little bit easier….I tried a few out and found that although not every single one works I could see the benefit to a few.
Any way my point is why is my little tiny blog going to make any difference? Im not trained in mental health I haven’t read loads of books and to be honest I’m not exactly the sharpest knife in the box.
But then Steffan (my Boyfriend) said to me “Does is make YOU feel better”
and that was it… my response “YES”
I realised I’m not writing this blog to help anyone else (but if it does thats truly amazing) I’m writing this blog purely for ME to help ME overcome problems I have and am faced with.
Maybe we should all worry less about what other people think of us, of course its lovely to be liked and loved but thats not what I’m talking about. If you find something in life that you actually find helps you DO IT, don’t worry about what other people say because they don’t know how it makes you feel.
As the new year quickly approaches give a thought to those who are bracing themselves just to get through another year. To those who do not make resolutions apart from to stay alive. To the people out there with mental health problems, to the homeless, to the people overcoming/battling life threatening illness and those who struggle financially as well as many others! Here’s to you I wish you strength, courage and hope on this New Year’s Eve.
Always remember that someone loves you and wants you to survive through all the odds, you are an amazing person and no matter what’s happened or what will happen you will always be amazing just for having the strength to carry on.
I love you all
Happy new year
So there it was Christmas Eve…..most people love this day and the days that follow some calling it “the best time of the year” however I’m not one of those people.
The crowds of people you haven’t seen for years and to be honest would prefer never to see again. Everyone from your past which wasn’t exactly normal. And worst of all THE QUESTIONS! So many questions about every inch of life! Nosey people sticking their noses into MY life just to compare it to theirs and make sure they have got it better! I just feel like screaming “fuck off”.
Don’t get me wrong Christmas just me and my family is fab and I always get spoilt rotten but I just feel pressure every year!
This year it’s all about my graduation that is supposed to be in January but yet again Daisy’s fucked it all up…..I forgot to mention to my family that I deferred my final essay because I just couldn’t face it, I went through such a dark period and my job didn’t rely on my degree and therefore I won’t be graduating till march…..not a big deal you say? Exactly I totally agree and my parents would completely understand if I told them when it happened an not lied about it and lied about Working agency shifts (in between my job) as a qualified nurse when infact I’ve been working as a support worker until I pass. I’m now sitting here thinking I didn’t deserve such a lovely Christmas and how the actual fuck am I going to tell them??
Well that’s my night planned, wide awake/ worrying/ crying you know the usual….. Same old shit different day!
“Bipolar? Me? I prefer the term emotionally packed”
Family/friend involvement within mental health treatment is vital, it creates a safe atmosphere and close bonds between individuals where they can express themselves freely without the black cloud of judgement hanging over their head. Although hard at the start and in some cases near on impossible once that first move/session/chat has been broached life does get that tiny tiny bit better/easier I know it’s hard to believe but trust me. I’m currently working through this with my parents/family/friends and even though it’s been nearly a year since we started and the improvements and benefits didn’t happen over night and by no means are they perfect now but we are heading in the right direction and if I look back to last year the improvements to my relationships are extensive.
My experience my family:
I know what your thinking….wow daisy this is all moving so fast we’ve only known each other for a day and your about to introduce me to your family but that’s the kind of girl I am…. Fly by the seat of your pants kinda girl (however nobody tells you about when you suddenly stop flying hit the floor with a crash wearing only your pants :/)
Anyway family support : now my family and friends are truly amazing and I totally believe that if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t be here. They support me in every triumph/mistake/disaster/mood and especially in my wild fantasies about what I’m going to do with my life….popstar/ actor/ doctor/surgeon/astronaut/president (you get the picture!)
A little about a few of them:
My mother the most beautiful woman in the world! Honestly so kind and generous and she’s only a little doolally because of me driving her to despair. She supports and loves me through everything, is on the end of the phone 24/7 and all I’ve ever wanted to give her is a normal daughter because if there is one person who deserves to have the best life with the best family it’s my mum. I love her.
My dad, my hero and my rock the man who would sell his own kidney for me. Could not do anymore for me and has got me out of so many situations and no matter what it is that’s bothering me (money, work, social etc) he always has the best advice.
And finally Steffan the love of my life, could not have done the last few years without him, he knows me better than anyone and I will love him forever.
What I’m trying to explain is how having a network no matter who they are made up from (family/friends/ online groups)will help or if that fails at least they will make you laugh and that’s the best cure of all 🙂
If you feel like you can’t talk to anyone charities such as mind an the Samaritans provide confidential services in which you can talk and receive advice from someone whether on the phone or in person. These services are a great help at whatever stage you are at and I still use them on those days where you just want to talk to someone who knows absolutely nothing about you.